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Saturday, May 14th, 2005
1:29 am
things are real confusing. but i think good.

i've been talking to a lot of people. old and new. and the sentiments seem the same.

i've got some new bestest friends. and they rule the old school.

most recent music listening : decibully, black box recorder, xiu xiu (yep, another xiu xiu stage), nafules dream, the books, rhapsody as usual, saetia..

been writing again too. feels good. i haven't been completely happy in weeks but i'm getting there. my brother came to town and i actually spent some alone time with him for the first time since i was 9. we went to a drag show. that was fun. i'm glad he realizes now that me and the rest of the family are all comfortable with him being gay. he got to meet all my lesbian friends. ;) and he even saw an old buddy of him from highschool in drag at brothers.

i made some different decisions lately. and last nite i got a chance to talk them over with my whole family over coffee. laugh about it even. that felt really goood. lately i've been thinking about why i'm not travelling and i've come to the conclusion that it has a lot do with my mom. she worried a lot about me. and even though we could never live together, we both care about each other alot and can relate to each other. its nice getting close to her for once.


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Thursday, May 5th, 2005
5:24 pm
brent, i don't have any way to get a hold of you. so send me an email at manic_expressive@yahoo.com or reply to this with your address so i can send you a letter.


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5:08 pm
i've been thinking a lot about riding a train into the mountains and jumping off a huge train bridge.

just to see what would happen.

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Saturday, April 30th, 2005
2:15 am
yer gunna leave a big hole in this life.

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Friday, April 29th, 2005
1:10 am
stuck and confused. incomplete. you're always missing something. and something is always missing you.

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Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
1:38 am
The jewel, the prize
Looking into your eyes
Cool pools drown your mind
What else will you find
I hear a rumour...it was just a rumour
I heard a rumour...what have you done to her
Myriad lights...they said I'd be impressed
Arabian Knights...at your primitive best
A tourist oasis...reflects in seedy sunshades
A monstrous oil tanker
Its wound bleeding in seas
I heard a rumour...what have you done to her
I heard a rumour...what have you done to her
Veiled behind screens
Kept as your baby machine
Whilst you conquer more orifices
Of boys, goats and things
Ripped out sheeps' eyes...no forks or knives
Myriad lights...they said I'd be impressed
Arabian Knights...at your primitive best

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1:34 am
i've been thinking about the two years of my life on the road. and i started remembering to tell people stories about it. then i realized there was 6 monthes in that time that really defined the experience. it was florida to new orleans to alabama to tennessee to arkansas to minneapolis to seattle to pocatello idaho to cheyenne wyoming to golden and then denver and then boulder colorado and then st louis and then columbus ohio and then back to minneapolis and then down to alabama again and then up to kentucky and then to asheville north carolina and then back to florida.

actually, all of that was about 4 and 1/2 monthes, two music fests, about 30 shows, maybe 100 new friends, about 100 rides, 20 trains, 50 stores shoplifted, 25 buildings squatted, 3 bad haircuts, 4 strangers kissed, 3 new tattoos, 2 alice packs, 3 multitools, 5 pairs of pants, 1,000 backrubs, hundreds and hundreds of miles, gallons and gallons of beer, hundreds of bagels, money made and then pissed away, thousands of dumpsters dived, cops, angels, mountains, semis, coffee, truckstops, fistfights, stars, patches, tapes, pictures, helicopters, a 93' mustang, piercing needles, waterfalls, dance parties, swimming, sewing, cooking, writing, dredding, rain, music, riots, tears, celebration....

what have i gained from the past 4 and 1/2 monthes. lots of work, not much money. drama. drama. drama. it seems like the only thing you get from having friends in this town. stress. little sleep. confusion. homesickness while lying in bed. my lungs hurt from smoking a lot more than i used to. everybody is hurting. everyone is looking for a reason to blow up. anything, oh god, anything to blow up at. just to feel something. i'm getting that way too. on edge. when i was out there i never wanted to fight anyone until the second the punch was thrown. now i want to punch people all the time. i'm losing it. i'm not going to be able to be nice mellow trainhopper girl anymore. soon it won't be about the big picture of things, and about how no one is really wrong, we're all just misunderstanding each other. soon it will be about the little picture. the look that sets it off. or the wording of a sentence. soon i'll be loud and inconsiderate, and irritable and i'll look for something to be pissed off at every moment just so i don't have to be pissed off at myself for not doing the things i want to. i can't sleep anymore, and because of that, i'm going to take everyone down. we'll all take each other down. unless we get out of here.

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Sunday, April 17th, 2005
2:59 pm
lately i've been too busy.

too busy being in love, working too much, too hard, worrying about my weight or how many cigarettes i'm smoking, or how many vitamins i've taken. I've been busy making plans, dealing with drama, making new friends, revisiting old times with old ones, finding new things to do to keep my mind occupied. I've been too busy to think about who i am and who i'm becoming.

So i take one moment to stop and think about WHY i'm moving in a direction instead of HOW and i come up so fucking empty. and then i remember what motivated me to go travelling in the first place. when i stopped ignoring the hollow goals and plans i'd been blindly following since i was born, looked them in the eye and saw them for what they were. when i stopped doing things just to do them, and actually only did what i wanted to. i remembered what made me happy and promised myself i'd only do those things all day every day for the rest of my life. i vowed i'd never forget again, that i would never get so caught up in being busy that i missed the big picture. and then i gave up comfortableness and numbness and certainty for risk, passion, adventure, recklessness, and complete uncertainty.

and let me tell you, i was the happiest i've ever been in my entire life. even the lowest lows you had hope and inspiration. you were completely fearless and knew that if you only just still had yourself, everything would work out allright. your sweat takes the place of your tears, in bad times, you walk and you walk, and you run, and you walk, and eventually you're in a better place. if you do cry its very short and you get a hug and then you feel ten times better than you did to start with and you look at the stars and think about where you can go where its better. a housie kid will cry the kind of cry where you lay on your bed and curl up in a ball and cry for hours, and reach for hope and come up empty handed. one thing falls apart and its a domino effect. it takes a long time and a lot of new planmaking to get comfortable with yourself again. and when you wake up, you're not in much of a better place than you started.

so heres my plan, move to gainesville (which is a good start, its much better than here), work at cd warehouse (why? money), go to massage therapy school (why? money doing something i don't hate, yet, for a long time), why money? oh, to buy stuff and get a house and be happy. sure. i can do all that. its easy. and then when i get there i can make new plans. vacations possibly, collections possibly (music?), projects possibly, promotions maybe, self employment possibly, "fun" maybe. sounds good, and its an easy path there. but it still seems kind of shallow to me. just because even though it sounds comfortable, and good and easy and safe, i'm not excited by the thought of it all. i'm not shaking in my boots yet. i'm not jumping up and down in joy. nothing like that. i'm just "okay" with it. for now. but i can see my self middleaged and bored with life. and all my friends, the same.

but at least i can take solace in the thought that if i ever get sick to my stomach of it all,if all the pieces fall down, i'll still have the road, and myself.

and skip, i miss you. stop living so far away.

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Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
12:39 pm
Kind of Like Spitting
Pick A Town, Find A Box, Live Alone

a lack of interest has shown itself,
let's go.
less and less adds up to very little,
so it's back to work i know.
all your favorite places that you've taken me to,
they're all just repeats.
what's an old bored kid to do?
try to write bright words.
make you smile,
make you smile for once.
we've been the problem,
the solution.
why now does the truth get treated like a lie?

i took a bath the other nite before i went to bed. and i forgot to put my ring back on. i woke up in the morning with it on my finger. very cute.

we've been making lots of espresso. my mice are getting fat. the wall of pictures is filling up. everyone tells me i smell real nice. i miss more people everyday. the list keeps getting longer and going farther back. the countdown to brent leaving is getting smaller and smaller. us girls are getting used to each other and our moods. we keep buying records. and falling in love. and getting drunk and sillier each time. but we're closer because of it. the turtles are growing bigger. my skin is getting softer. and my eyes are getting wider. so i can take in as much as i did when i was younger.

and i'm stuck between girl and woman. and neither feels quite right. but its a good place to be.

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
7:17 pm
gainesville was great. i got to see some old friends. i remembered everything i miss about that place. people with unique music interests. less drama. more house shows. more house parties. less cops. more open people that will just walk up to you randomly and start hanging out with you or chatting about whatever. huge book sales. used book stores. a few record stores. the CMC. camp blackbird. maudes. leonardos. we went and saw taylors band at this place called faces lounge and the guy at the door gave me a 21 plus armband because he was "in a good mood". we drank beers at camp blackbird and watched this pretty girl sink folk songs into a tin can attached to a mic. it sounded nice. real dissonant. we stayed up late at rio's house and listened to "hatebeak" which is a grind band with a parrot for a singer. no joke. we rocked out to rhapsody and i remembered when rio introduced me to them years ago when i was staying at salon saloon.

i'm starting to feel homesick for that place. 4 more monthes keeps sounding longer and longer. especially since brent is going to be there, and i'm going to be working way too much and sleeping way too little. we talked all last nite and cuddled. i remembered about the blackouts i used to have when i was younger and talked about it with him. drank blackberry pomagranate juice. smoked way too much.

things are good though. and i gots some new books.

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Friday, April 8th, 2005
12:14 am
you heard from someone that they heard from someone that she heard from someone that he heard from someone that ari IMPLIED something bad about you that someone else implied to her that someone else implied to them.

now if that isn't worth getting pissed off about, i certainly do not know what is.

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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
1:30 pm
last nite i met my second boyfriend's new girlfriend. he's been dating her for years.
she tried to hit on me and every girl in my house.
we dragged our mattresses into the living room. and had jumping contests.
we drank and fought over the record player.
"everyone be quiet! this is the saddest song you'll ever hear"
made black olive hummus. mmmn.
7 person breakfasts and shared cigarettes.

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Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
6:46 pm

i'm going to be training to be a manager when craig leaves.
kay moved in. she fucking rulez.
seema needs some TLC.
josh is in town. i've been trying to get up with this guy for like... a long time.
i've already been pretty much guaranteed a job at cd warehouse in g-ville when i move.
they start at 7-9 an hour. i'll probably be starting at 8 since i'll have a lot of experience.
i sliced my toe open a few days ago, but its almost healed now.
hopefully i'll be chilling with will this week.
larry and devon are getting along again. this is good.
brent's new job is going well.
we finally got speakers hooked up to the record player.
seema got a postcard.
i'm gonna play some death metal.
i watched i heart huckabees. it was gooood.
theres a lot of peoples over here all the time.
about three more weeks until brent leaves :(

time to make some food.

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Monday, March 21st, 2005
10:27 pm - its been a while

i'm engaged.
went to new orleans on a roadtrip.
i love seema.
i love devon.
spending a lot of time with skip.
xiu xiu = great. almost as good as last time i saw them.
work is fun.
funky's having babies.
24 hour flu of craziness.
backrubs and headrubs from brent make everything okay.
he got me a cellphone. its gots games and internet.
he's getting evicted. roomate didn't pay rent. he's going to stay with me.
so much food is great.
4 and 1/2 monthes.
3 turtles.
3 mice and then after one cannibalistic nite, 2 mice.
1 giant rat.
saw fate. she's beautiful and happy.
saw steven and ben in new orleans.
heard from nate.
my cousin is 7 monthes pregnant.
i could have been too.
she's only 5 monthes older than me.
i'm bleeding. ohhhh so bleeding. its good.
the apartment next to ours completely burned out yesterday.
i'm down to about 1 and 1/2 cigarettes a day average.
my ring fits my ring finger well. not too tight.
frito lay and goodwill dumpsters made my house a home.

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Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
11:04 am
its been a while since i've been online. things are going great. i got a second raise at vinyl fever. i love my new apartment with red walls. i bought a bunch of old goth and punk posters. i like living with seema. she's a good roomate. people far underestimate her. i'm happy i'm getting to know her better.

things with brent are fantabulous. we went through a brief period a little while back where we argued about something stupid every couple of days, like a board game or something, but other than that we've gotten along perfectly. my mom loves him. she says "but don't marry him until he's done with college, i want to be able to throw you guys a really good reception." haha. we're going to new orleans next weekend. we're going to stay with my friends there and go to some shows and drink on the streets and eat at all the really coool old converted opium bars and such.

skip came through last weekend. he came with his travelmate brian. we all partied like it was 1999. i made this insane fucking dog skeleton stencil off of this picture brent drew for a possible skinny puppy tattoo for me. skip told me stories and he left our old zine here so i can make copies of it, finally. skip got seema all excited about hopping trains. we decided we might all take a beach party trainhopping crew to pensacola with some people who have never hopped before. because me and skip know out hometowns tallahassee and pensacola sooo fucking well it would be an easy trip.

latelys i've been wrocking: the ditty bops. that 1 guy. moving units. hubble constant (fuck yea).regina spektor. functional blackouts. erase erratta. and aqueduct.

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Thursday, February 17th, 2005
11:14 am
rocawear. wut wut.

anyone who likes really really bad funny porn, go rent something from the series "nineteen".

"my brother's friends were looking at porn, i went over to tell them to stop... then they started touching me in my special spot..."

current mood: awake

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Monday, January 31st, 2005
2:54 am - the monster lunchbox
when i was 13, sometimes i would go to a punk show and drink and mosh all night. then me and my friends would go over to this guy named tiggur's house and drink more and sleep on the couches and the floor in his living room. in the morning i'd always wake up first and watch everyone else still asleep. i was extremely clearminded and peaceful during those mornings. i would never be hung over.

one morning tiggur got up not too long after me and found me in the living room writing in this notebook i used to carry around with me all the time. he invited me into his room for some coffee. i'd never been in his room before. i didn't even like coffee back then. i decided to go anyways for some company until everyone else woke up. his room was a center of peace in a chaotic world. my first-found sanctuary. large pieces of carved wood rested upwards against his painted walls. strings dangled down holding flowers upside down to dry out. he had a low table on which he kept a collection of stones and knick knacks in a weird punk rock altar. he had a shelf of books on philosophy, herbs, hunting, music, anything you could ever want to learn about, he had it. he had a huge homeade reptile cage tower with several different pets basking in their seperate heatlamps. we sat around talking quietly and sipping on bitter black coffee. he talked about moving to ireland. i talked about moving to scotland. after a while he suggested we go forage through yard sale remains. piles of unsold clothes and appliances left by the street on a weekend afternoon and suburban neighborhoods. we drove around and waved to people staring out of windows of the houses we stopped at. he found a really really old typewriter. i found an old motheaten white lingerie dress which i ended up later wearing for weeks at a time because it felt so comfortable. it covered my body without actually feeling like i was wearing anything.

i never went in his room again. a few monthes later his house burned down from a candle his roomate accidentally left lit, and i ended up playing at a benefit show for him in the co-op.

but that strangely ethereal mood he set my path on never left me. at home on my chest i made my own sort of altar. with leaves. flowers. stones. burned out fuses. bolts and nails. anything i found and took a liking to i arranged it into my collection. when i was depressed or stressed out i would run my nails along roughed up pieces of metal flatted out by cars or tenderly slip my fingers between the dried out petals of flowers i'd picked and dried upside down by strings.

when i turned 14 things started to get rough on the homefront. the first time i left, i packed all of my favorite things i'd collected into an old metal monster lunchbox and taken it with me. in the years that passed, whether i was at home, or on the run, or kicked out and cold in the street, or living in my car, or hitchiking around, the box was ever present and just being within close proximity i felt a kind of peacefulness, fearlessness, no worry that anything that came my way would be too big to handle.

when i was 16 i was living in a squat way outside of town with a guy named adam. he had a job down the street at a restraunt but he squatted and dumpstered and saved all his money except for on occasional packs of cigarettes or guitar strings. he wanted to save up money to go to school and study philosophy. my box had been well taken care of and added to, with letters from evan, newfound treasures that were just trash to anyone else, and a book evan had made for me out of cardboard, broken glass and red paint. also among those things were some zines i had been given or found along the way that inspired me to think positively out of my position. challenge the ways i'd been brought up to see things. realize there were other options that i had never been given before.

eventually our squat got busted and adam moved in with evan and some other people and for a while i stored my few things at their house while i couch hopped until i moved into the OAF house. when i got my things from adam's house, i forgot entirely about my box, trying to figure out where i was going with my life. whether my straight A agenda at school would really guide the agenda of my life. so yea, i could make good marks while sleeping in dirt in a house with no power or water, but did that mean that was the only way for me to go, or did my perserverance have some other plot for my life?

in the excitement and fear of the future i forgot all about my past and where it all started. isn't that how it always works out? then the other night i was meeting evan in a coffeehouse so he could tell me about chicago and hong kong and what he'd been doing lately. he walked in with a big grin on his face and in his hands he was holding my monster box. i hadn't seen in in years and at first i didn't recognize it until i opened it. inside were all the tiny treasures of my past to behold. i flippped through the zines and letters, i counted the burned out fuses and remembered exactly what i was thinking about and where i was walking to when i found each one on the side of the road. me and evan walked down the traintracks all the way to the other side of town and back. we talked and walked like that alongside each other in long coats and stringy hair (matching shadows) we did that for close to four hours before he said his goodbyes.

the moral of the story is this, its so easy to get caught up with whats going on at this moment. i think about the cigarette my body clock is telling me its time to smoke. the coffee i need to go get to feel awake. the 8 hours of work i need to get up for soon and go do. and then after i get done with that i'm going to be hungry and its time to make some food. if i even try to think about next week or next month it's image appears in my head as a calendar with little events, shows, appointments, lunches, work shifts, my boyfriend's classes. the future is a blur of possibilities way in the future compared to what stands in front of me assuming a more militant posture. but even more blurry than that is the past. where it all started. what led to what? what book or person or altar or leaf led to the way i'm feeling or reacting right now? take a step back every once in a while. try to remember. what used to be important to you. what you were scared of as a kid but now feel like you've overcome might be a bad thing. those fears might be filtering into something else. those little promises you made yourself and used to adhere to religiously, but now has lost its meaning in "sacrificing in order to grow". maybe we're all growing up too fast. maybe we were nicer, more clearminded, less judgemental, more open, when we didn't have so many other factors weighing in.

one time my dog was fighting with another dog in railroad square. i started chatting with the other owner after we'd broken them up. "its just a territorial thing" he said. "yea, my dog is usually pretty nice" i responded. then he said "i bet if they had met in an open field somewhere running around, they would have been best friends."

and thats how i feel about all this.


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Saturday, January 29th, 2005
11:31 pm
i wrote you a note. you gave it back to me in a bag full of scum. i shrugged and threw it all away. you dug it out. and glared at me as you shoved it in a pocket. "that was MINE" you said. i shrugged again and lit up a cigarette.

and yes that is a methaphor for everything. and no, being awkward and fried off drugs does not mean you have a great personality.

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Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
11:36 am
got a new band. i'm playing keyboard!

today theres a free camper van beethoven instore show at the store. so stop on by and visit.

been pretty antisocial. i've mostly been spending a lot of time rolling around with brent. and watching movies. reading burroughs. watching lots of live shows on dvd. wesley willis. against me. blood brothers.

tommorrow is an albatross. i miss those kids. its been about three years since i've seen them. hopefully we'll all pile into spike mott's van and go off for some crazy adventures. perhaps to the moon.

in other news. me and brent are staying away from sugar, lots of carbs, lots of starch, and fatty foods. we gotsa get hot for each other. i'm trying to smoke less. hardly been drinking. maybe two beers a week. and caffeine. no other drugs.

things are good

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Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
10:42 pm
two monthes. and i'm still in love.


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